What a day. Honestly I would never imagine that day of almost not doing anything can be so mentaly hard on me.
For no reason today I went through almost all emotions.
Sadness, Anger, confussion, hapiness, energy spike and super low levels of energy. Today I expirianced it.
Very weird….. I haven’t felt like this in very long time. This quarantine – now day 22. is not working out for me. Not at all.
On a regular day, If I was allowed out i would manage all of those feeling in a hart beat. I would meditate, go to the gym, take a ride on my motorcycle… you name it. I have my ways of controling my emotions.
But beeing locked in this room, without most of my “tools” to control my emotions – let’s say this way – it puts me off balance by a lot. and I mean a lot.
On a bright side at least now I know how to identify my emotions and where they are coming from. It makes controling them much easier.
Today I’ve actually witness how contagious my emotions are. And how some people just soak all emotions projected on them.
Take my girlfriend for example. Today we spoke. on the beginnig her mood was very good. Cheerie and bright in one word – happy. After 15min of talking to meshe looked more depressed than me and we did ended up arguing.
I do now it was my emotions which she just soaked like a sponge which caused all this. It is a plus that I realize this now. What annoyed me was that she was not able to understand how difficult is to control myself while beeing locked in here.
But how can she understand. She doesn’t have 20 crazy monkies in here head like I do………..
20 crazy monkies are subject for another time…………
It is weird. I never thought I will say that but I do miss people.
It has been now 20 days since I’m stuck in hotel rooms for differet types of quarantines. It feels like such a huge waste of time. But it did make me realize that I do miss interacting with people.
Working for past 15 years in hospitality I interact with people a lot. Especially last few years while working in the large resort, large banquets, restaurants catering for over 500 people a day – before COVID of course – at the end of each day and especially on days off I stayed away from people. Preffered quiet evening over night’s out.
Don’t get me wrong, I did enjoyed working with people, even that sometimes all you want is to strangle them because of their petty complaints and trivial problems 🙈. But hey. That’s what hospitality is about. Making people libes slightly better.
Any way. coming back to the realization – yes – I do miss people a lot. in the past 20 days i spoke to friends and my girlfriend over the phone, video chat and messages. it’s all good and definately WAY much better than it must had been 30 years ago. But It’s not the same.
It is hard to pi point exactly what I miss about interacting with people, i think it’s just general presence of other humans around. When there is no one nearby, no one tot talk to, no one to spemd time with, exchange ideas and help me put my paranoia in check (when let loose it goes off the rails and I start inventing things :)) It gets weird.
For example this morning – While taking shower I came up with a plan how to move to another country, look for a new job, started counting if I have enough savings etc, etc … and all because there was a fuck up at work. Fuck up with something I wasn’t even employed to do but it is directly related to what I have to manage. So I already invented that my boss will blame this on me (he is a project leader and was responsible for it), I’l get fired and because I live on the tiny tiny island where everyone knows each other I’ll have to move because I won’t find another good job – and I have expenses 🙂
Bottom line…………… You need other people to consult your crazy ideas with. Other wise they will drive you off the rails. simple.
And no. Facebook, WhatsUp, and talking to people on line doesn’t cut it for me.
Sharing emotions must be in person – especially when having paranoid thoughts ;😉
So I’ve been stuck in this hotel room for over a week now.
Right before this there was another hotel room for a week.
And It slowly starts getting to me I think. I’m an outside person and not beeing allowed to go out it’s driving me nuts.
On top of that I should be doing some work. You know all this remote work and so on…… but it is just not happening.
I find it so difficult. I think it’s because of the room. I have only bed and a small desk. Which makes my options to spend time are either on the bed or in an uncomfortable chair in front of mini desk. None of this places screems – work enviroment which makes it even more difficult to switch from “relax” to “work” mode.
Not beeing able to switch delays all the work I should be doing. (It’s really not that much – I plannned in advance for this three weeks plus with COVID – there is just not much work).
The worst thing is that this puts me in this constant limbo hanging beetwen work and relaxation and in the end non of it is done.
I think from tomorrow I mught just spend half a day watchin Big Bang Theory or readign “Dark Tower” until I’m in better mood. In the end its the weekend.
I wonder how the world outisde looks like 🙂 and I miss my motorcycle. Few more days…. few more days.
Now the streets are super empty so ridding will be extra pleasurable.
I’ll better go. Till the next time…….
Maybe I cover some serious topic. Will see.
Honestly I have no clue where to start…..
This haven’t even been my idea.
Apparently putting my thoughts in writing somehwere should be therauputic. Yeah right. I don’t really belive in all that psycho mumbo jumbo. All I know is that I have tons of loud voices in my head and I’m not sure how to het them to agree on anything.
Friend of my suggested some time ago that I should start a journal. A notebook of my daily thoughts.
That spending 5min at the end of each day will help me organize my thoughts, put them in order and in right place.
I’m more of a keybord rather than pen user – so I thought – what the hell – I’ll start a BLOG.
I’ve read lots of books on how to improve myself, how to control my thughts, how not get overhelmed by emotions, how to, how to…………how to.
Don’t get me wrong, most of them – and I will share the links some day – are very smart and goos books, and they did help me a lot.
I used to be a one BIG mess of thoughts and emotions. with milion ideas coming and going every minute. Now – hmmmm. I sort of have it under control. – I guesss. I don’t know. Like everyone I think I have better and worse days.
So for today I’m just going to post this messy first post.
As you can see I’m not a writer 🙂
It is more of type what you think staff …….
But it will be interresting to see how all of this and me evolves with thime.